Thursday, December 15, 2011


Dear Luke,

We've all been sick around here - nasty little colds. But I just can't seem to shake mine. It's more than just a sore throat or stuffy nose. I have absolutely no appetite - everything sounds gross. Every smell makes me gag (at least the ones that my stuffy nose doesn't block). And then there are a few other suspicious symptoms.

I was contemplating how sick I feel as I was eating crackers and cheese (the only thing that tastes good to me) and I was flooded with memories of the last time I devoured these foods as if my life depended on it - I was pregnant with Sam. NOTHING tasted good to me back then. Nothing, that is, except crackers and cheese.

But don't worry. I'm not pregnant. I know I'm not because I've taken 2, yes 2, pregnancy tests within the past week. Each time I knew I wasn't pregnant. It's not even possible. So why does my body act as though it is?! And why, WHY, when I know I'm not pregnant do I insist on putting myself through the torture of taking a pregnancy test and crying when it confirms I'm not pregnant.

I've only heard of 2 cases of women getting pregnant with an IUD - one had a tubal pregnancy and the other had her IUD removed but ended up losing her baby anyway. So I know I can't be pregnant. And I know that, even if by some chance I did get pregnant, there is no chance the baby would live. So why is it that I want so desperately to be pregnant anyway. Loosing you was without a doubt the most painful thing I've ever experienced. So why would I want to do that again? Maybe just so, for even a few weeks, I could remember what it feels like to be pregnant. I miss feeling a baby move inside. I miss watching my belly shift from side to side. I remember once being able to hear Sam experience the hiccups while I was being monitored in the hospital. I miss the miracle of life. Oh how I miss that!!!