If I were any normal mom, I would be in the hospital right now having you. If you were any normal baby, you'd be screaming at the top of your lungs, letting the world know you had arrived. Unfortunately we aren't normal. I am home writing this letter and you are looking down on us from heaven.
When did all this happen to us?
So, today is your due date. We knew you'd never make it to this day - Dec 23. We came to terms with that months ago - when we first heard we were pregnant, actually. We knew you'd come early and that your birthday would be weeks, possibly even months before today. We figured you'd spend time in the NICU, just like your brother and sister. But if you were anything like them, you'd be home by your due date. By today. And that is what we had planned for you.
But life has worked out so differently than planned.
We didn't want to focus on our sorrows today. We miss you terribly and wish that your life had turned out differently than it did. But we cannot change what has happened. We can, however, change the way we see this tragedy. And so today we chose to celebrate your life.
First, we made a snowman on your grave. I want you to get to see all the wonderful things this life has to offer. And one of those things is a frosty little friend made of sparkling snow. Halle and Sam were so excited to make you a snowman and were positive you were watching us today.
Your name means "messenger of light". To celebrate the light that you have brought to our family, we lit a candle in your honor that burns even as I write this.
We also went to one of our favorite places to visit - the Salt Lake temple. It is such a beautiful, peaceful place. It is the reminder that our family is eternal. And at this time of the year, the temple seems to glow more than usual as the temple grounds are lit up by hundreds of thousands of lights. It just felt right to be at a place that has brought so much light and hope to our family.
Just like you. You have brought us light. You have helped us feel our Savior's love. We are better people because of you. And that is something worth celebrating!!
I love you, my son,