Monday, January 31, 2011

Lost Dreams

Dear Luke,
There were so many things I wanted to do with you in this life. So many fun things we were going to do. So many places we were going to show you. We didn't plan on doing these things simply for our own enjoyment, but for yours as well.

Last night we went to your cousin Tyler's Eagle Court of Honor. I felt such a pride for him as I watched him join the "Eagle's nest" with your Dad, great-grandpa, and Uncle Troy. I thought of what a good example he is for your brother Sam.

And then the sorrow hit. One day I will get to see Sam as a scout. I will help him earn merit badges, send him off to week long camps and feel relieved to be rid of him for a few days and crying over missing him all at the same time, and maybe one day help him with his Eagle Project. And as happy as all that makes me, I feel bad I will only get to do it once. I'm supposed to be helping TWO of my boys earn merit badges. I should be sending TWO boys off to scout camp. And I should be helping TWO boys with their Eagle projects.

Last night I thought of how much it hurts to think that you won't get to sit in the "Eagle's nest" with your dad, grandpas, and big brother. I imagine how proud your dad would have been of you. I imagine how Sam would have shook your hand with pride as you sat in the seat next to him, sharing a great honor together.

I know everyone says you are in a better place, but I can't help but feel sorry that you'll miss out on the wonderful things that this life has to offer. I know it isn't all roses here on earth, but there are some pretty amazing things to make life happy. Last night I missed you like crazy and felt a deep sense of heartache over not getting to experience this wonderful part of life with you. I think you would have been happy here. I think you would have sought out all the good things that this life has to offer. I think you would have loved to go to camp with your big brother.

I think last night I wasn't the only one feeling lonesome for you and wishing you were here. I think you were wishing it too. I sometimes get the feeling that you miss us as much as we miss you. Maybe I just feel that way because I hate the thought of you forgetting about us. But I think a mother has a special bond with her children and I don't think I'm just imagining things. I think my heart is connected to yours and I think I can tell when you are as lonely for us as we are for you.

Hang in there, my boy. We can do this hard thing that the Lord has asked us to do. I promise we'll come home to you. I promise!!


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